Why Do People Argue?

I have always found relationship counselling/coaching to be interesting.

It generally involves two people who are not getting along at present and need some help to rectify this.

The biggest cause is they are arguing and nothing gets resolved.

The arguments can be over something small or a large problem. They continue with each partner putting forward the same point of view.

This begs the question: Why do people argue?

Simple. There is a difference of opinion and each partner is trying to convince the other that they are right and the other is wrong.

Everyone has experienced an argument and how unsettling it can be.

When you argue, you …
* Do not listen. You are busy formulating what you are going to say to counteract what the other has said.
* Are being selfish. You have to win or be right. This is not considering your partner.
* Become defensive. You defend why you are right rather than looking to understand where your partner is coming from. When in defensive mode, you will never learn as you are shut off.
* Are often stubborn. Your way is the only way and there is no giving in.
* Are focused on the problem rather than finding a solution.
* Are not interested in hearing their opinion as it is creating conflict for you.
* Can often create resentment with your partner as they feel devalued and not important. I often hear, “In my partner’s eyes, I am always wrong”. This often leads to the devalued person not contributing or saying anything. The ‘always right’ person asks “Why don’t you answer me? Why don’t you say something? I want to know what you are thinking.”

Yes, they do want to know what they are thinking – so long as it lines up with what they are thinking. As one guy said, “We would never argue if she just agreed with me”.
That went down well! 😀

A great trait to have is to listen to what your partner says, even if you disagree with it. Show them you care about their opinion and value their input. Ask questions to get clarity on a point. “Do you mean …this?” or “Can you please give me an example?”

Sometimes you agree to disagree … and that’s fine. So long as you do it nicely.