When we are born, we are dependent on our parents or a carer to look after us. We quickly learn that it pays to do the right thing by them. This gains their approval and makes them happy.
We also learn, as we progress through life, if we win and do well, we feel emotionally happy.
We develop a bank of information in our subconscious that is our ‘hard drive’. This info is all that we learn on how to process what is happening in our life. Importantly, we want to feel happy. To feel happy, we have to be right and get our own way. We look for validation that what we think is right for us. This often relates to topics like religion, sex, money, politics, and our heritage. It can also relate to who should do what chores at home, how you parent and what you are allowed to do in a relationship.
If someone has a different idea on a topic to us, their programming does not align with ours. And this will often create conflict.
The conflict arises because we think we are right and they are wrong.
This conflict comes from our ego.
The ego hates being wrong. It has to get its own way and be right. It needs someone to agree with it and validate it. If someone won’t (because they think they are right), the ego will set out to prove them wrong and will try to coerce them (emotionally and/or physically) into believing what we believe. For example, think about how a discussion on a topic can quickly turn into an argument and then may even become heated.
Ultimate outcome? Both people feeling resentful.
When you are trying to prove you are right, you don’t have a ‘knowing’ you are right. The more people you get on side, the more you convince yourself you are right.
Notice how when two friends have a falling out, they call all their friends and quickly give their side of the story and bag the other person out. The more friends who take their side, the better they feel.
Sometimes, this convincing others turns into manipulation and controlling. “If you want to take their side, you are not a friend of mine”, “You must be stupid to listen to them”, “You’re racist if you don’t support this”.
Your ego will do whatever it takes to get its own way. For many, it doesn’t care who it hurts at the time.
This is the thinking of a person who feels insecure.
When you fail to allow another person to have their point of view, you are not respecting them. You are being selfish and controlling as you are saying your way is the only way.
When you know you are right for you, what do you have to prove?
You are happy with what you know to be true for you.
This is how an emotionally secure person thinks. They will listen to others with the intent to learn rather than defend.
The secure person will respect the view of another person recognising it is ‘right’ for them.
Next time you have a discussion on a contentious topic, become the listener and identify what you can learn.